12122017Headline:

Sundance At the Wedding

"You'll never even know it was your wedding day."

“You’ll never even know it was your wedding day.”

Afternoon Readers,

I’m not sure how many of you are married, thinking about getting married, or planning a wedding right now, but after you order the cake, book the DJ, and buy two tons of colored almonds, please remember to also invite the Kellermans.

Please note: Surveys show marriages we witness have a one-hundred-percent success rate, mainly because all of those couples are terrified we’ll show up to a second wedding.

This past weekend was a mad rush to get the kids where they needed to be, Husband into dress shoes that fit, and a running start to get my Spanx from my ankles to a position on my body where they’d try to make a difference.

My knees have never looked so thin.

If polled, I think all guests would concur my sister-in-law married a great guy in a beautiful, moving ceremony. Polled again, those same people would also agree it was Sundance’s wedding.

Somewhere along the line, when briefed about the wedding, Sundance did what most toddlers do and made it about herself. I expected nothing less from someone who’s currently wearing six dresses, black socks, and mismatched shoes on the wrong feet. The world is her oyster. An oyster that wears six dresses.

Husband I were aware she had plans, but weren’t totally sure what she was going to put into motion, once Saturday came around. Therefore, we were both extremely satisfied to be let in on her arrangements which seemed to be closely timed with the beginning of the wedding mass.

A roughly sketched list was later found in the bottom of her sequened dress shoes:

My Weddin’

1.) Change pews every five minutes so focus is completely on me. I’m lucky the bride will be wearing a boring color, as pink tends to stand out, and I look great in pink.

2.) Go sit with the bridesmaids. Go sit on a bridesmaid’s lap. Mom is a bridesmaid. This works out well because she won’t be able to yell in church.

3.) Lay in the isle while propped up on one elbow. Not only will attention be on me, but it will look a little like that famous Burt Reynolds magazine pose, thereby drawing attention away from the other bride’s vows.

4.) Take someone’s flowers by force.

5.) Decide those flowers aren’t good enough and try to make it to the alter. There are better flowers up there, and I deserve better flowers.

6.) Two thirds of the way through my wedding, I’d prefer to take a break and wander among the candles. The threat of fire and the light glinting off my sparkly dress will help draw attention back to my wedding.

7.) Walking out with my Grandma is fairly plebeian, so instead I’ve arranged to follow my mother out and get in line with the other bridesmaids. I look better than all of them, and this will force my dad to pick me up and carry me out, thus giving me a chance to smile at all my guests and thank them for joining me on such a special day.

After everything was said and done, Husband and I thanked everyone pouring out of the church for attending our daughter’s special day and also apologized for not knowing exactly who she married.

So, remember to book a Kellerman for your wedding. You never know when you may need to draw all attention away from yourself right before you say, “I do.”

Until Next Time, Readers!

Paige Kellerman blogs about marriage, babies and gin at www.paigekellerman.com, and is the author of At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles: Mostly-True Tales of An Impending Miracle. You can reach her at paigekellerman@gmail.com.

She also hides out on Twitter and Facebook.


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